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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
no hope for anonymity's LiveJournal:
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|Friday, March 23rd, 2012|
Today is the day I take my body back.
I don't know what the f*** is up with it. I get lightheaded at the slightest provocation. I fear. I breathe too deeply for a little bit, i get it. I close my eyes to meditate, I get it. I... I dunno. I haven't exactly been keeping track, but I feel like I'm constantly struggling against the darkness. Not metaphoric emo darkness. More actually passing out darkness. I'm super worried... and worrying makes me feel like I'm about to pass out.
Yep. I'm gonna see a neurologist. I submitted the paperwork for Healthy Way LA.
But I don't know what they're gonna say. Are they going to be like the study doc and tell me the older people get, the more likely they are to pass out? That seems strange. I don't think either of my parents pass out regularly. Are they gonna be like my friend and suggest I have a pork disease that'll just get worse with time that I probably got as a kid before my first passing out in 5th grade?
Have I fucked with my body? Did that study do something permanent? They say no, but who knows. What if the needle site is just never gonna close, and I'm going to permanently have headaches and feel like passing out? I don't have the perma-headache I had, but I do feel like headaches are more common for me.
Or is it my lifestyle since the bike accident? Is it that I haven't been eating right and have been spending too much time on the computer (he says while typing on the computer)? Could that be it? Has my brain decided it doesn't need to respond to real world stimuli appropriately because obviously the internet world is the real one?
Have I been sleeping poorly? Have I spent too much time lying down, and my body is adjusting to being upright? From the headache lying down for most hours of the day, then just being lazy while I recovered from the bike accident and now just bad habits.
or am I just worrying a lot: too much. Worrying about my scars, money, career... scars. Worrying so my brain wants to take a passing out break all the time...
That's not normal. Other people worry without passing out. I want to be able to worry like a normal person. I want to be able to breathe super deeply and pretend like I'm hyperventilyting without my vision going spotty. I want to not be someone who passes out. I used to be okay with it. Maybe I'm worrying too much. Maybe it's just that I'm thinking about it, so I think it's happening. I've passed out a dozen times in my life. That's more than a normal person, but not so much it's really inhibited my ability to work. Or is the doctor friend right? Is it going to get more and more common, until I pass out so frequently that I'm not able to live my life. That's my worry. She assures me there are drugs to take care of it, easy peasy. But drugs have side effects.. I'm gonna have to start accepting that some things are forever, and my life is finite. It's a night for existential worrying. I guess that's nice. It's been a while since I had a good existential crisis. Existential cruise.
So that's reassuring.
I'm an amazing actor, BTW. People are amazed that I haven't made more money at it. I'd like to be amazed at that, too. The things is, I have a hard time visualizing myself making money at it. It really feels like a pipe dream. I don't think my talent (or skill or hard work at it) is holding me back. I just don't really know how to administer my career. I know no one has the answer. Not really. I mean, I'm doing a lot of things right. I'm making my own stuff. I'm meeting people. I'm taking classes. I'm asking people to walk my headshot in. Maybe it's just around the corner. I'm just worried That I'm too much of a ... not fuck-up, exactly- too much of a shoot myself in the footer- to do it even after I have the possibility. That I don't know what I'm worried about. No, I do. A couple things. That I'm too afraid to spend money. To worried I'm not prepared. too unknowledgable about things I don't know about (like what I wear). Too unwilling to bend. Too eager.
let's adress them. 1. Money. Fuck!!! I'm so afraid of not having enough. We almost didn't have enough last december, and that's when we did the study and replensihed our dwindling accoutns, and I fucked my body up. Not worth it... was worried about it in the moment, but was MORE worried about not having money. Fuck! And so, i should spend money on my career that I don't. Money on all kinds of things, some of it worthwhile, some of it not. all of it scary. i'm paralyzed by money fear. I see it. I have a helluva hard time stopping myself from being paralyzed. I want to make a pledge to stop it, but I know I'll rationalize it away. So i won't even bother right now.
2. Clothes. I want Duncan to come back and dress me. I want to know if I should keep a beard on at all times. Seriously. Kinda good problem to have, but wtf. I just shaved, and Leilani comes up to me in class and says, kinda concerned... how fast do you grow the beard? Cause I just wrote a part for you in my webseries, but I thought you'd have the beard. So what does that mean? All of the parts I've had in the past 5 months have had me with a beard... work begets work, but I feel like I must be infinitely more castable when I look like a normal dude, young, handsome, normal dude without a giant bear beard. Beards aren't clothes, but same heading. I am happy about what i'm doing to take back my body. I didn't eat ice cream tonight. I'm using caloriecount.about.com. I'm eating better. I'm doing 30 crunches a day. I'm walking several miles a day (usually 4, plus incidental walking). I should start running, too. Play a sport. But I'm happy with that. Losing weight, feeling good... except for the lightheadedness thing. Maybe that'll go away soon.
3. I know it wasn't me. The guy said he was bipolar. had to see a doctor, blah blah.... But I was so eager. I wrote him about things that weren't my concern, like money. Money, if I'm not producing, is not my concern. Not right now, anyways.
Ouch. My wrist hurts. Shift and a letter hurts.
|Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010|
|AT&T... to put it mildly... does not float my boat
So Stina and I did all the research. We spent a few hours online looking at the options, and decided AT&T had the best price (a promotional deal) for internet. We called and arranged everything with the man in the sales department. We were disappointed to discover that they couldn't activate our service until the 23rd because they'd have to send out a tech to install something. So be it, though. The day finally came (today). I did not work today so I could stay home and let the tech in. We were told to expect him between 2 and 4 pm. I sat in our apartment until 4:10 pm, then I called the number the salesman had given me if I had any problems. After an automated machine got frustrated with me and dropped the call and then several transfers to different departments, I finally learned that the initial salesman had failed to put through our order (even though I had gotten an order confirmation number, which I read aloud to anybody who would hear it - what's the point of those things?) Not only that, but the initial promotional rate wasn't available for my particular apartment (which is presumably why he failed to process our order. This...failure to process our order happened the same day we placed the order (obviously). In the 3 weeks between failing to process our order and the day I did not work they never once tried to contact us, though they had our phone number, an email address, and our address on file. So I just spent 1.5 hours keeping my cool with 3 people whose hands were tied, until finally one said "not only are my hands tied, but there's no one higher up I can transfer you to." Crock though that is, I don't blame him even. AT&T, you messed up. You can't give me affordable internet, you made me miss a day of work, you deprived me of having internet at home for at least another 3 weeks (and therefore 6 weeks since we'll be in Seattle during the day someone would install it), and you offer me nothing in recompense. I am upset. I am angry and sad and frustrated. I live in L.A. It's a big city! I should be able to get internet fairly easily. WTF?!? Current Mood: as hell
|Friday, August 27th, 2010|
|I think I'll be older than that...
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|Thursday, December 17th, 2009|
While I'm waiting for PlotMyLife.com
to become a reality, I need to jot some notes about what I want out of my life.
I want to write the travel guide Stina and I have been talking about
I want to make web shows
I want to act in L.A.
I want to play Magic professionally
I want to have a game store
there're more, but those are my most immediate ones. I also, of course, want to raise children and have a nice wedding and raise sheep, but those goals are either certain to the point of my not worrying whether they'll happen or so distant, I'm not worrying either.
|Tuesday, May 12th, 2009|
|Monday, January 26th, 2009|
|We play games
Just to let everybody know, I've been playing this game online if any of you all would like to join me!Cyber Nations
, A nation simulation game
|Sunday, September 14th, 2008|
|Saturday, August 9th, 2008|
|It has finally happened
I made Stina jealous of an inanimate concept. The game of Magic: the Gathering has been on my mind lately. It's one of only a few things that has never disappointed me: Yasuko's half chicken Teriyaki, Stina herself, and Magic: the Gathering. Even when I've had negative experiences (mean opponents, lost cards, bad trades - grouped into the subheading "Money issues"), I've never blamed Magic, only people.
Well, more on this later... work calls.
OH NO! Yasuko's stopped carrying the half chicken teriyaki. I tried their dark meat, but like the white meat, it's dry and unpleasant.
I'm the saddest I've been since Anya died.
|Friday, June 6th, 2008|
|Workin' late on a Friday night
It's 9:43 - I know because my computer clock says 8:56. Stina's in Portland tonight, so I thought it'd be the best time to stay late and get caught up on paperwork.
It smells nice outside. Our lobby's smell makes me feel dead inside. Yep, not to be over dramatic, but it has a strange metallic smell that's so subtle I detect it as a taste rather than a smell.
So Jeremy, my sound board op, and I got to talking politics today. It's frustrating. It? What it? Be more specific! Okay, here's what's frustrating: I used to be a kid. I used to talk politics. I used to gain energy from talking politics. I used to exchange ideas like the breeze with my fellow high schoolers. _That's Right_ Like The Breeze. The breeze exchanges ideas all the time! No, But you know? But now? I see 2 possibilities:
Everybody else has changed
See, I don't feel energized by talking politics anymore, just frustrated, and occasionally indifferent. In the "I've changed" category - maybe I'm getting stupider, nothing people say makes sense anymore. And not in the Capitalism Doesn't Make Sense kind of way, just in the "when you string those words together, I don't know what they mean" kind of way. I feel like that's happening more often lately.
In the "Everybody else has changed category" - maybe capitalism is imploding before my very eyes, and all political conversation has turned to sound bytes that don't really MEAN anything, but they sound good and the kind of feel like they mean what you want them to say.
There's a third category, I suppose - the "I never noticed that before" category. Maybe I'm just now starting to pay attention to capitalist media, and my communist ears aren't really used to hearing people discuss things in this way, and so it sounds like nonsense, but it isn't if you accept that the system is the way it's supposed to be. An English Major Listening to a Linguist talk about the language -> The English Major has every right to believe that s/he knows the subject well, but when you hear a linguist talk about it - certain principles are familiar, and you're talking about the same thing, but from a whole different perspective.
That's a terrible analogy.
And anyways I don't like any of the categories, really. I mean, yes, I've changed, AND yes, the people I'm around now are vastly different than the people I grew up with (which is like everybody changed): they are 1. mostly adults 2. mostly urban and 3. mostly wealthier than the people from Kewaskum.
I suppose the number one reason is my sense of defeat. I was an idealist... I still am, but now I'm a defeated idealist. I don't know a lot of others who share my ideals, so implementing them is nigh impossible. I like to think that I'm somewhat effective in bringing a little bit more of my ideals into an environment than if I weren't there, but so often I feel like I either alienate people or simply compromise in such a way that no one is happy. I also haven't taken any time lately to revisit my ideals and find out what foundation they stand upon. I used to do that all the time... it was called talking to my dad. Now I feel like I should be independent... but nobody comes up with their points of view in a vacuum. I just haven't found a peer with a set of ideals I aspire to to bounce my thoughts off of and help us refine our ways of thinking. Aside to Stina - You and I are having more and more of these conversations lately.
I wonder what the world is really like. There's no perspective that can possibly give unvarnished truth. I can't even comprehend what that would be like - an overall picture of a complex system that I can comprehend without external or internal prejudices. What is Cuba like? Really? Can someone make a list of what they have there that we don't have here and vice-versa? If someone did make a list, how could it ever be a complete list - you can't quantify everything after all, and how much would it be weighted by the mere fact that Cuba is tiny compared to the U.S. and resource poor... so some things wouldn't be on the list after all... and how would each item be weighted. Each culture has its own set of values, each INDIVIDUAL has its own set of values. How does one stack up the pros and cons of the U.S. or Cuba without prejudice? You can't. AAARGH!
I forget sometimes that people are happy with certain forms of their own government. I've been living in Seattle with Bush as president so long, I've begun to accept that everyone knows our system is messed up. But then I talk to people about Obama, and they think that our system won't be messed up if only he becomes president. That's one of those things that makes me crazy. CRAZY! And I don't know how to get myself out of the craziness.
And that's another thing - what do they teach children? I think my graduating class at Kewaskum was vastly different because of me. Each history class I was in knew by the end of class that communism and democracy were mutually inclusive, even though the textbooks said otherwise. And most of my fellow students knew my leanings and so knew communists were normal people with acceptable political views. They elected me class speaker, after all. BTW that's still so cool 8 years later, isn't it?
And that's another thing - people - even smart adults - think that communism is an evil thing... not just an alternative they don't prefer, but bad, like the Nazis. Stupid Stalin. Stupid Mao. I hate you most of all.
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2008|
as long as I'm beardnn, can i also be brainden? 'cause I'm so smart.
|Friday, May 16th, 2008|
|Sunday, May 4th, 2008|
A of all
I love games
B of all
I love to win games
C of all
I invest a little of myself in each game I play
D of all
I feel bad when I behave contrary to my system of ethics/morals
E of all
I feel bad when I lose
F of all
|Sunday, April 13th, 2008|
|Friday, March 28th, 2008|
|Saturday, March 22nd, 2008|
|Tuesday, February 19th, 2008|
Castro led an amazing revolution! Look at the statistics: universal healthcare, universal literacy. If a nation is literate and armed (and they are), I hardly think they consider themselves oppressed... if they did, they would overthrow the government. It's why our 2nd amendment is so important, and it's why I'm skeptical of claims that the Cuban Government is an oppressive dictatorship. It's not like Cuba has a big standing army or police force like the U.S. does that would threaten to put down a revolution. No, it's because of the support of the people that Cuba drove out the U.S. invaders during the Bay of Pigs invasion (Playa Giron). It's because the revolution has the support of the people that Cuba continues to survive. Cuba offers an example and a promise that worker's the world over do not hope in vain for economic equality. Cuba is impoverished and imperfect, but at least Cuba strives in revolution and solidarity with workers internationally to throw off the shackles of capitalist oppression. Workers of the World, UNITE!
For a less hateful view of Cuba, see http://www.themilitant.com/2008/7207/720757.html
|Sunday, January 20th, 2008|
|did you know...
At the time of Childeric's deposition, Pepin, the father of King Charles, held this office of Mayor of the Palace, one might almost say, by hereditary right; for Pepin's father, Charles [Martel 715-41], had received it at the hands of his father, Pepin, and filled it with distinction.
the line of eldest sons named their eldest sons after their fathers, so pepin begat charles who begat pepin who begat charles who begat pepin.
|Saturday, January 12th, 2008|
|Excerpts from a review of First Stage Milwaukee's 1998 production of The Homecoming
`Homecoming' offers substance for young, old
- The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
- December 7, 1998
- MARY CAROLE MCCAULEY
- More results for:
- Brendan Weinhold homecoming
At the beginning of "The Homecoming," the teenage Clay-Boy tells the audience:
"It is remembered in my family that on Christmas Eve of 1933 my father came home late. That, along with the love he and my mother bestowed upon their eight offspring, is fact. The rest I made up."
The beginning is meant to indicate that Clay-Boy grows up and fulfills his dream of becoming a writer. But another question is implied. What really happened that night? Clay-Boy never says. In First Stage Milwaukee's fine production, the adults in the audience are left to ponder fascinating questions about the nature of memory, the things we choose to tell and things we don't, and why. The children in the audience...
...As Clay-Boy, Brendan Cadogan Weinhold is the rarest of teenage boys, one brave enough to show his vulnerability. We can see Clay-Boy's occasional resentment at being forced into the role of a third parent, his fear that he won't measure up to his father's standards. Cloence Kuyper is the ... ....